


Take Me Out!

by grimmbot



Category: Gravity Falls, Invader Zim, Psychonauts (Video Games)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Superheroes/Superpowers, Gen, Implied/Referenced Death, Other, cartoon violence, lili/raz takes a backseat gomen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-23
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:53:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24877243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grimmbot/pseuds/grimmbot
Summary: Dib Membrane, high school junior, goes to a baseball game for the first time in his life. He is promptly hit in the face by a meteor. So, naturally, he becomes a superhero.This goes as well as you would expect.
Relationships: Dib (Invader Zim) & Dipper Pines, Dib (Invader Zim)/Dipper Pines, Razputin Aquato/Lili Zanotto
Comments: 8
Kudos: 11





	1. The Story So Far

Okay, so - imagine a _super cool intro sequence_ , like, probably set to something by Bowling for Soup. No, wait, I got it! Teenagers by My Chemical Romance. I know it's a _long_ leap between the two, but it's to set the mood. The point is, I can't show you cool moving images through a text medium... but I always sort of imagined it. Actually - scrap the opening. Because that's not where this story starts, I'm absolutely sure of it.

This story starts at San Romero High, at 5:21 PM, located in Piedmont, California. It's late May and surrounded by a hundred or so screaming teenagers, taking selfies, vaping under the bleachers and going nuts, there sits Dib Membrane - goth and misplaced - but here intentionally. How did someone this weird get here?

Well, we have to start with the moving sequence, when Dib turned 13 and moved from the metropolitan Smallville to here. He wouldn't ever talk about Smallville again, really, but it was sheer luck that Zim _followed him._ Apparently, he had been classed as a pretty big threat to the Irken Empire, according to the stinky little green man, and therefore had to be stopped! Zim could take over the Earth from here just as easily as he could in the place Dib would never mention ever again.

But, I guess that only really explains why Dib lived in California. Sorry.

Dib was _really_ here to investigate the most dangerous threat to Earth - the most terrifying thing that had ever existed within the Earth's atmosphere. Right now, the cheering students were in danger they could never comprehend - and, uh... no, that's a lie. It would be cool if it wasn't, but as far as Dib knew, no one in this field was in immediate danger. But he was researching something truly terrifying - only just to Dib.

Because Dib didn't like that he was unable to pull his eyes off of one guy.

On the San Romero Wildcats baseball team, there was a cute guy - he was 5'4, with fuzzy brown hair and olive-green eyes, and so many freckles. His nose was in a permanent splint and he always batted at the seventh inning and knocked each ball out of the park. He brought his own Hello-Kitty bat, which was always covered in dirt. He pitches early on in the game, though, because he confuses the hell out of the opposition with screwballs and weird throws. Dib has intensely studied his strategy: the guy preferred curveballs but would alternate between those and screwballs. And occasionally, he'd do a weird throw where the ball wavered through the air in unusual ways, slow and unspinning. Dib didn't really care about that, though. He cared more about the opportunity to see him. He really didn't know why he cared at all, though! This guy was just a guy. Dib didn't even know his name!

He'd... find out soon enough. Today was a weird detour off of his usual routine - get up, harass Zim, do class stuff, harass Zim, homework, harass Zim, you know. Because this kid was weird.

This kid made Dib feel weird, and he didn't like it. He had to figure out what it _was._

Needless to say, this was the most important game in the history of the San Romero Wildcats. If they won this game, it would solidify both a winning streak of 75 games in a row and be their fifth year as unbeatable champions. They played about 15 games a year, and this was the last one of 2020. And Dib had some pretty good front row seats to the action, on the second row of bleachers from the bottom, right in front of the umpire and batter. He wasn't taking advantage of it, though, he was just staring at his phone, bouncing his leg anxiously and sipping from a small bottle of Cherry Pepsi that cost him a dollar fifty from the vending machines. He had already spent three dollars on crappy soda, so he had better make this one last - admittedly, though, his first mistake was wearing his usual outfit to a hot afternoon baseball game. That was kind of a dumb idea. He'd update his wardrobe, but really, how can you beat a trenchcoat? Where else do you get such cool swooshy-ness? Where else could one find such an epic, heroic coat? Nowhere. Absolutely -

Oh, shit, it's the seventh inning.

Oh, shit. _He's_ up.

 _He -_ the brunet anomaly - stepped up to the plate and readied up to swing away with a determined smile, as Dib leaned forward in his seat and stared at the boy in curiosity, taking slow and calculating sips of his shitty overpriced soda. Dib had no need for notes - this was just a side journey to get his mind back on track, and yet, the boy up at bat perplexed him, a mystery more perplexing than Zim had ever presented. Zim was pretty blunt, he wasn't hard to read. He screamed " _I'M A STUPID DUMB BUTT ALIEN HERE TO TAKE OVER EARTH_ " pretty well. But, Him...

 _What's it about you? Why are you so_ interesting?

He waited patiently at the plate as the players changed position - new pitcher, new field people. Dib couldn't really care about them.

_You're not an alien. I can tell that. Aliens don't act like you. I've watched you for a while, and we can rule out the possibility of you being dangerous. Dangerous people don't play baseball with this much passion. They don't tutor kids and actually end up tutoring them. I've seen aliens and mad scientists and evil overlords, and none of them break their nose every two weeks, nor do they wear silly flannels and pierce every orifice on their face, or have infectious laughter like sunshine and radiate happiness despite a thousand-yard stare and having Gucci eyebags._

The boy up at bat suddenly went into a coughing fit, for an entire twenty seconds, and Dib took careful note of that because the fit lasted _exactly_ twenty seconds.

_See? You aren't evil in any way, yet you just did that. Why are you so interesting, all the time? Why do you look like the entire sun? Why are you so wonderful?_

And finally, He got ready, the pitcher threw, and the boy stood shock-still. Strike.

_Why do I want you to see me so badly?_

And that was when He looked straight at Dib. And at this point, when one of the best batters on the team lets two strikes happen when this was a historical game that could change everything, just to stare at you - you look back. Dib lowered his soda and sat up straight, looking right back. It might as well have been out of a movie - the smile had faded off of His face, looking at Dib solemn, stiff, and sorrowful. He glanced away for just a moment before the umpire yelled something unimportant, and the pitcher got ready again, and -

_"I'm sorry."_

Wait, did He just mouth that, or actually say that? Dib sure as hell couldn't tell, but he'd never know because the pitcher threw, the sunshine boy swung, and suddenly Dib was yelping in surprise and shock at the heavy green thing hitting him.


	2. States And Minds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> how the fuck did i fall asleep before posting this?? my bad Luvs sorry xoxo  
> anyways 1312 ACAB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Remember that opening sequence I mentioned? That would reasonably go here if I had any idea what the hell I had even been talking about.

The night before the baseball game, at the Piedmont Police Precinct Building, havoc ran amock - people screamed, tried to get away, fainted in fear, and tried to comprehend the horror they had just seen. Oh, god, the sight they had just seen! And in broad evening-light, too! And normally, now was when the cops would show up, guns-a-blazing to save the day. There was only one teensy, weensy little problem with this.

The Piedmont Police Precinct Building had just been blown up.

So, naturally, some fear was to be expected - the shrieks of hysteria at an entire building being reduced to a pile of rubble and ominous smoke were reasonable. And it only became even worse when the smoke began to shift in unusual ways, parting as a wheeled boot stepped out, and from the ash emerged a name to be feared. With a wicked grin on his face, he dragged a burning black and blue American flag behind him, as he slowly stepped out of the destruction he had just created.

All of Piedmont - no, all of California knew to run and hide when Killjoy came to town.

There weren’t many bystanders left, but the few that remained might have recorded Killjoy seemingly not noticing the heroic blonde cop behind him - the man sprinted towards the cackling villain, drawing his gun and ready to shoot. The news might have heralded him as a hero, quoting in the news articles his next words - “GET ON THE GROUND NOW, HANDS IN THE-”

Might. I said “might”.

Because approximately two seconds later, the gun was on the ground and the poor motherfucker was caught - physically, his arm now held in a bit of a contorted angle by the vested villain. You see, I’m calling this guy a poor motherfucker because he might die now. I can’t be too sure.

“Yeah… uh, y'see, I thought about doing that.”

And crack, and - oh, christ, alright. The cop's arm was broken now. I almost don’t want to describe it, I don’t think breaking someone's arm should be that fluid and seamless, you know? That’s fucked up. Jesus.

More joy was to be derived from kicking the cop while he was down, before skating into the road, arms spread, basking in the chaos he had just created. Oh, it was horrifying - but so wonderful! Where would the piggies go now that their beloved pigpen was destroyed? Now, he still had more work to do, but it was a philosophy in Killjoy’s life that life was to be taken one stride at a time, so he’d merely skate away into the distant, a fading motorpunk noticed by no human in place of the horrifying event.

So, that explains the alien up in the tree furiously taking notes.

Because of this… “Killjoy”, or so he called himself, was no good for the green stupid little gremlins plans. No - it simply couldn’t have explosive humans running amock and destroying this planet before it could conquer this useless rock! It hissed in anger at its notes, frustrated beyond belief that it still couldn’t decipher the Killjoy’s erratic motives and mannerisms. What was with this filthy human? Was he trying to conquer California before it? No, that simply couldn’t do!

The notes, filled with indecipherable drivel - at least, to the author - were shoved away into a metal backpack, as the tree stalker rose to its full, terrifying height of 3 feet, as it cursed out the explosion and person who caused it. What a mighty pompous human that was, this ffffilthy… Killjoy-thing! Uh, we need a better name for that. He needed a better word to tack onto "Killjoy", these two-syllable names were harder to make fun of. But, this Killjoy fiend...

He’d know soon enough that one simply does not usurp the mighty and honorable ZiM - no one does.

The first thing Dib did was groan.

He quickly deduced that he was lying flat on a surface, whether it was ground or hospital bed, he couldn’t tell yet. He hoped it was a hospital bed - christ, everything hurt, it was like an explosion went off… but that might be closest to the truth of what happened. But first, he checked to make sure that all of his limbs were intact. Right arm, check. Right leg, check. Left leg, check. Left arm, check, and usable, reaching up to gingerly tap at his head, which was in an immense amount of searing pain. This only resulted in more pain, and when Dib withdrew his hand, it was still wet. Upon cracking open his eyes, Dib was able to confirm - yep, that’s blood.

“S _hit._ ”

That’s a lot of blood, maybe a bit too much for his liking. Maybe any blood at all would have been too much for his liking, but this is Dib, he’s used to it. Outside of that, though, all he knew was that he was on the ground, and probably now had permanent tinnitus. Seriously - his ears rung something awful, and only now was it getting replaced with the sound of chatter and miscellaneous people voicing their concerns, but not doing anything. _Jerks._ And sitting up only really let Dib know that his back and skull were also in immense amounts of pain, it was just tolerable when he was laying down flat on the ground. Speaking of, there's no grass, where the hell _was_ he?

Luckily we have an easy short term solution - he just opened his goddamn eyes again, and oh, hell, is he in a fucking _impact crater?_

And now he had to wrack his head because Dib had never encountered anything in the afterlife, but he was pretty sure the figure who was now peering over him was some sort of ethereal being... the halo of light surrounding them pointed to it being an angel, as well as other things such as... wait, hold on, angels are an afterlife thing. Right?

So, the second thing Dib did was ask, "...Am I dead?"

The person peering over him seemed to glance around before answering - "Uh, no. I don't think so. I mean, you seem pretty alive."

Ah, good! Being dead would have thrown a wrench into his plans of stopping Zim from taking over the planet. Well, all he had to do was get himself back home, and - oh, there's water on him now, he's being gently assaulted with water, right on his forehead. "Ow."

"Sorry. They wanted to call an ambulance, but it's, uh... you know. Healthcare costs. And they want to finish the game, so I'll just... is it cool if I take care of the wound for you? I know some first-aid stuff."

He _was_ going to say something like " _yeah, I'd really appreciate that,_ " but then Dib blinked twice, enough to clear up his vision to see that the beautiful stranger was Him. Aw, nuts. This kinda wasn't how he wanted to meet Him, he had planned to casually approach Him after the game, maybe - do a smooth introduction and wrangle a name out of Him somehow. Not like this! This was so awkward, he's had some water splashed on his head, and now towels were being thrown at him, uh... make that towel. One. Singular. Ugh, this was the worst. Did he have a concussion? Dib was pretty sure he had a concussion from this.

"Hold that to your forehead, I know it's just like, a head wound, so it'll bleed a lot, but we still can't have you passing out. I sent one of the fish to go steal from the nurse's office, but would you be cool if I took you to the hospital too? Just to be sure." With a nervous glance aside, He let Dib bundle up the towel and press it right against the bleeding - ow, shit - and in place of doing anything productive while they waited, He just sort of started fidgeting with His hair. "I mean, healthcare _is_ expensive. But you got hit pretty hard."

"Uh... what hit me?"

"A meteorite."

"...Deadass?"

"Deadass. I mean - unless glowy space rocks aren't meteors?"

"...Technically, it's a meteor _ite._ " Dib was at least able to spot the culprit a few inches above his head, right out of his vision. Normally, space rocks escaped his focus because most space rocks were just space rocks. They were made of iron and stone and other various materials, things you could always find in the Kuiper Belt. But hey, he's yet to encounter a baseball-sized meteorite that glowed various hues of green and blue. "...No. Don't take me, I'll be just fine." So, maybe he was letting himself get sidetracked even more than he needed to. But when a meteorite hits you in the face and glows, you sit up and pick up that meteorite as a fun side project to figure out if it's just given you radiation poisoning.

"Alright! But on one condition."

Wait, there were conditions now? Dib whipped around back to Him, just to see Him dead serious, holding a roll of bandages. "You're not bleeding out. Get over here."

Dib arrived home that night with his head covered in gauze, a glowy space rock, and a name. Not his name, but His name. The baseball kid - his name was Dipper. What a weird name, but could Dib judge him? And, jeez, you know what? I'm sort of glad I can stop typing "Him" with a capital H. This doesn't mean that Dipper no longer stood at the forefront of Dib's interests, no, He was still up in the top three. It's just that he couldn't afford to make Him the number one interest. That spot belonged strictly to the evil alien trying to conquer the Earth.

First, though, he had to annoy his sister, planting himself right behind the couch so he could see Gaz's progress on... uh, whatever she was playing. 

"Hi, Gaz!"

Gaz grunted, or something.

"It's nice to see you too, Gaz. How was your day? Make any progress on your game? Did you get an epic Fortnite Battle Royale win? You winnin' those games, Gaz?"

A low growl this time.

"That's nice to hear! I had a really good day, too. I got hit by a meteorite."

Nothing.

"I could have died from the impact. Would you care if I died, Gaz? Because I could have died. And I probably will from blood-loss!"

" _Good._ "

Alright, she had spoken, now was the time to abscond into his room before he ended up dying for real. Dying for real wasn't on his to-do list, and once again, it would seriously ruin his plans to stop Zim. And just to be safe, Dib locked the door behind him when he was finally safe inside, the meteor being left to rest on a desk temporarily before Dib entered a weekend-long stupor of restless study - only stopping to use the bathroom, and take a shower because Gaz would probably kill him if he didn't. And he didn't even have to leave his room for the entire 40 hour period! I mean, what teenage boy _hasn't_ already stolen lots of scientific equipment from their father with the sole purpose of studying objects that fall from space? And surprisingly enough, it went pretty well! He did find a mysterious scratch on his face, but it didn't matter too much. There was too much to be done, and with every second he spent cracking open this weird rock, the more fascinating it became.

And suddenly, it was the middle of a Sunday afternoon. Outside, it was idyllic and sunny, but Dib's room remained dark and shadowy, minus a strange unusual green glow. Maybe he should have slept, or eaten something, he was starting to get a little woozy and light-heated. But damn, this thing was fascinating! It was about ten scientific impossibilities all in one rock. The green glow could have been explained by burning copper, but it was cool to the touch still. And it probably wasn't radioactive, because there hadn't been any alpha or beta radiation detected from the rock. So, what was it? He could also rule out it being from any Irken solar systems, but it also wasn't from our own, and... wait, that was the front door opening.

Dib emerged from his room, wincing at the horrid light that streamed into their home. Who just waltzed on out? There were no footsteps to be heard inside except for his own. The couch was empty. But out the front window - oh, yeah, its just Gaz, getting on her bike with an overloaded backpack... what in the world? Fine, fine, he was going to get something to drink anyways, there wasn't much in the way of Dib peeking out the door and calling out to his sister, "Gaz? Where are you going?"

A prolonged pause, as Gaz stared at him, before yelling, " _WHAT?_ "

Right. Long driveway. " _I ASKED, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?_ "

" _BOOPER RASH FOES TOURNAMENT._ "

Ah. Okay. It makes sense, but... _"DID YOU TELL DAD?_ "

" _YEAH!_ "

" _OH! OKAY! HAVE FUN!_ "

See? They could get along! It was just only when an entire driveway separated them. Back to what he was doing. Dib headed to the kitchen, and... aww. There wasn't any coffee left. Granted, it was about 1 PM, but his dad was never home to drink any of it. Fine, he'll just brew another pot, it wasn't that hard, and while he was doing that, his thoughts went back to the space rock. It definitely wasn't Irken. Zim would have broken in by now to steal it back... or, well, would the alien have done that? Because Zim had pretty much dropped off of the face of the planet. It didn't seem like another Phase Two thing - Zim was still showing up around town, but he wasn't doing evil things, like... kicking puppies, or blowing up police stations. And now that Dib had nothing to do but stare at his reflection through the coffee pot, he had all the time in the world to contemplate that.

_What are you plotting, Zim? You're letting me see you. But you aren't acting like yourself. You've been withdrawn and skittish all week. And it isn't my type of weird, where it's about a person. So what's your plot, huh? What awful thing are you gonna come up with next? What- wait, Gaz is back._

At the sound of the door knocking, Dib stopped glaring at the coffee machine angrily and got up to go let his sister back inside. She probably just forgot something important - probably her keys to the house, as Professor Membrane had warned her that he wouldn't tolerate any more broken down doors. They were expensive to replace! He unlocked the front door, and swung it open, telling Gaz, "Check the coffee table first, I think your keys-"

Wait a minute. That's not Gaz.

No, these were two people in suits - one shorter, tan, and wearing - goggles? and the taller (and paler) of the two apparently didn't know how to brush her hair. They both pulled out wallets, showing off I.D. to him, labelling them both as...

"Agents Zanotto and Aquato of the Psychonauts. Pleasure to meet you," the woman - presumably Zanotto - introduced themselves, letting her partner do the rest of the talking.

"We were informed of extraterrestrial and possibly psychic materials stolen and hidden here." And that short bastard, who was probably agent Aquato, asked with the stupidest smirk on his face, "Would you happen to know a Dib Membrane?"


	3. Roam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dib fights the Men in Black with an umbrella.

“You’ve come for my brain now, HAVEN’T YOU,  _ ZIM _ ? IT’S MINE, BACK OFF!’

The two secret agents probably didn't expect Dib to suddenly threaten them with an umbrella and start screaming, but you know, they had also never met Dib, so that was likely where Razputin and Lili had made their first mistake. They quickly made up for this mistake by backing up, hands up, and trying to clear up the misconception.

"What- no! We don't steal brains! Where the hell did you hear that? Who’s Zim??"

"For the record, I have saved twenty-seven more brains than I have stolen, making for a ratio of twenty-seven to zero. So, if that helps,"

"It doesn't, Raz."

But, well, both of them were looking back at Dib, who was still warily pointing an umbrella at them. How could Zim be so  _ stupid?  _ Clearly, his disguise had gotten better - even going as far to change how he looked, going by a new human name - was the woman standing next to him another Irken, or had she been fooled? Either way, what a stupid idea to not even bother trying to change its voice! I mean, the not yelling was a nice touch, oh, what was he on about? Zim was trying to steal his brain, damnit! Focus!

"YOU STILL CAN'T HAVE MY BRAIN!"

"Okay, we're not here for your brain!" Er, “Raz”, explained - "Look, I'm gonna assume you're Dib - we detected high amounts of psi- uh... I mean, dangerous psychoactive materials coming from inside this home. We need to extract it immediately."

But this didn't fool Dib one bit - instead jabbing the umbrella at them again, still pissed. "Yeah? And just how do you know that? Seriously, you guys look like teenagers!"

"Look, just let us in so we can get it out so you don't die!"

"Where's your warrant?"

Raz almost retorted - but then looked back to his female partner, who blinked a few times, and in complete and utter conviction, asked, "So?"

"Dude, he's got us there, we don't have a search warrant. We can't go in."

"Raz. We're psychonauts! We're not cops-"

"It's still illegal!"

"Okay, okay! Fine." The female agent turned to Dib, and asked rather politely, "May we come inside?"

"No." And to make things better, Dib was still pointing an umbrella at them.

"Lili, why did you think that would work?"

“I don’t know, he’s a conspiracy nut! He’s pointing an umbrella at us! Conspiracy nuts are always a little backward in the head.” And she had the nerve to clarify to Dib, “No offense.”

“Yeah, real slick.”

“You know - you’re only making our jobs harder. If we could just-”

“We’ll compromise!” The other agent butted in - “Just let us look at it. We’ll let you keep it.”

Dib, finally, lowered the umbrella, but only to grab onto the doorknob. “Yeah, sure. Because I’m stupid!” And the door slams shut, leaving the two suited Psychonauts on his doorstep, hopefully, ready to give up. 

Honestly. What sort of sucker did they take him for? He’s heard of the Psychonauts before - Men in Black who took the brains of those who were too smart to stop psychic inclinations, and shut down world-wide conspiracies, they had been reported investigating the homes of dedicated Swollen Eyeball Network agents. Tunaghost had reported them showing up seven times in a month.  _ This must be Zim’s plan, then - he’s here for my brain and my evidence, and he wants to burn it all to nothing!  _ Maybe. He found it easy to believe in the existence of evil psychic secret agents, but he was starting to think that maybe Zim wasn’t one of them.

...After all, Zim wasn’t exactly the brightest bulb in the Irken Empire. Nor was he the most patient - no, Zim wouldn’t have backed away at the mention of search warrants. Zim did as he pleased, and certainly would have broken in by now -

Wait, that was a suspiciously loud "thump" that just came from his room. And... voices -

_ "Ow!" _

_ "Keep it down, Raz-" _

Aw, shit! No, it was Zim! It was definitely Zim breaking into his room! Damn, he became one hell of an actor - Crap, if they had snuck in through his window, he would have heard the footsteps and window maybe - the thump clearly meant that they had teleported in, and, why the hell was he still standing here?!? FUCK! Dib practically jumped upstairs, slamming his door open, only to get shoved back by some sort of invisible force -

"Stand back, sir, something's wrong-!"

"FUCK YOU!" was Dib's eloquent response. "Get the hell out of my room!"

He made another attempt to murder the two with an umbrella - but, as a pro-tip to anyone who might be dealing with psychics themselves - they have telekinetic powers that allow them to manifest a hand of the mind, which can not only pick up and fling objects, but also restrain rabid teenagers who intend on killing you with an umbrella. And Dib sure as hell knew Zim did not possess telekinetic abilities, but this “Raz” guy sure did. So, guess what happened?

As soon as he saw that orange glow, it snapped in his mind, but Dib didn’t waste a second in starting to writhe and hiss in frustration, on the verge of spewing obscenities again - only allowing Lili a sentence in edgewise -

“Sir, how long have you had that thing?!?”

“A weekend! What’s it to you jackasses?”

Dib immediately regretted calling them jackasses, however, as dread fell onto their faces, and Dib fell on his face, now free from his psychic restraints. And even more when Raz muttered,

“Holy shit. He’s-”

“A weekend?”

“Lili, he’s gonna  _ die. _ ”

Die? No, that was impossible. There was nothing dangerous he found in that meteorite - just fascinating new mineral and energy interactions he had never seen before, nothing that could be dangerous about it. “Okay, calm down. It’s a space rock, it’s not radioactive, it’s not  _ poisonous. _ You guys can relax.”

“It’s not, yeah,” Raz started to explain. “It’s - worse, actually.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took too long for me to write. Sorry. Getting chapter 4 out ASAP.


End file.
